I drive a 2001 Gold Subaru Forester. Ultimate chick magnet mobile. It actually came with a condom holder it was designed to attract women so badly. It does not run on fuel. My car runs on Axe deodorant. If you see me driving without a hot babe beside me take a closer look. Her head is probably somewhere else. Yep, driving a long-lasting automobile is the way to go if you want to make a woman preen with sexual desire.

Okay, maybe no girl will ever fall for me over my car. I’m not even sure if it’s a 2001 or a 2002. I’m that unknowledgeable about these devices. I feel like a rhino could write Shakespeare before I could ever build an automobile. And the only thing rhyming with rhino is gyno or wino. Gynos can’t write poetry and neither can winos. Cars are not something that are very important to me. Sure, I’d love to drive a Porsche with a door that opens upward. I love things opening upward! Star Wars doors are fantastic. Or maybe I’m thinking of garage doors. Either way, both are badass.

 (I could totally see Storm Troopers blast out of that garage. The lesbian riding shotgun even has a Luke Skywalker hairdo)

My life has had two cars in it. My first was a 1998 Red Dodge Intrepid. Boomhauer from my post Weird Kids would always tell me that it was a Chrysler. I knew it wasn’t a Chrysler because it said Dodge on the back. I had a lot of problems with the car. My first day driving it broke down two blocks away from my house. Mechanics said it was because the previous owner was probably old and drove slowly. The computer must not have been used to the way I drove. Sounds like they’re confusing cars with girlfriends. They’re mechanics. Cars sometimes are the only women in their lives. I also went a few months with my driver’s door not working. I would have to slide across the passenger seat. I still managed to get my first girlfriend despite this. And she didn’t break up with me because of it! Thank goodness I was too out of shape and boring for her. I might have felt bad otherwise if my car was to blame.

The old car broke down quite a bit. Brand new engine and everything. Maybe it needed a new hemmy? I don’t know what a hemmy is. Men with large guts in truck commercials seem to get hard-ons talking about them. The current car runs pretty smoothly. It’s always been rather loud which can be a pain during a drive by shooting or child abduction. I get why gang members always drive new quiet cars and why bitter weekend dads keep up with their oil changes. You don’t want everyone looking at you before you commit the crime. It gives them time to let your face sink into the minds of those snitches.

(All smiles as Roy finishes up his oil change in preparation to kidnap his teenage children from his ex-wife with precise precision and not a sound)

As well as the car runs, things are not near perfect. The backseat is consistently filled with trash. If I had someone to impress or wasn’t so lazy as to bring my car trash can back out there then maybe things would be less of a mess. It’s really not that bad. I’m not one of those people with M&M shells lying around. I hate sitting in a car with M&M stains on the seats. That’s always a sign the driver is a diabetic. I’m not very good at keeping things clean. Neat I can do. It’s things like dust and hairs I’m horrible with. I think there are still hairs on my emergency break from before I last cut my hair in November. They’re pretty long and the only other people allowed in my car are members of the Aryan Brotherhood or lesbians who think they’re pixies.

 (Once Katie Holmes climbed into my car with a pixie haircut. She yelled at me to “Drive Elron Hubbard damn it!” Tom Cruise injected her with a needle and she agreed to do that Queen Latifah heist movie instead of the second Batman)

The Check Engine light is something I have come to assume needs to be flashing in order for a car to work. I was bringing my car in so often the mechanic told me years ago that it’s just something that will happen with older cars and not to worry. I was told by a teacher to tell this mechanic I was a student at the high school I went to. The mechanic’s son went to that school before dying as a freshman. Wouldn’t mentioning that I was a junior in that school make him sad? I never got a discount or anything. I did leave my student planner with the high school’s logo sitting on the passenger seat as a subtle way of relaying information. I did find a few tear drops on one of the pages. I felt so bad I didn’t mind paying $800 to have my windshield wipers replaced in order to fix my brakes.

A broken windshield is the only major thing I have had wrong with my car. Something large flew up and left a huge dent in my windshield. I was on my way to work. On a Saturday too. Then this happened. I had a man come to my apartment and fix it for me. He put duct tape on the edges to be safe. He said to take the tape off in 48 hours. I was so frightened I left it on for 2 months. The company even emailed a picture of him to me so I could know who to expect. That’s kind of weird. Am I supposed to care what my repairman looks like? If he’s a certain ethnicity should I be more weary of the job he’ll do? Safelite repair, Safelite racist.

The strangest problem I’ve been having with my car involves those racks above the car. Are they called racks? I might just be calling them racks because I’m constantly thinking about breasts. I may even post a picture of breasts below for your enjoyment! One of the notches had broken off at some point. Probably before purchasing. I’m not sure if they’re called notches either. I’ve just been thinking about belts a lot too. Anyway, what I guess happens is when I drive at highway speeds the horizontal racks go up and down. I only know this because several drivers have pulled up alongside me, pointed up, then imitated that action. Two people did it all of last year. Three people have done it this week. The yarn I used to tie it down must have only snapped off recently. That or people don’t care enough about my safety in the winter. God forbid they roll down their windows and let their heat escape.

(Chicken breasts are still breasts. Sorry if you were expecting something more satisfying)

What about your car sucks? Don’t say the air conditioner does not work. Nobody’s air conditioner works in their car. I’m convinced they were designed not to. Henry Ford enjoys the smell of sweat.

  1. The Waiting says:

    The thing about my car that sucks is that my husband never vacuums it. It looks like we live at the beach despite the fact that we’ve never even taken it to the beach. I guess this is more of a problem with him than with the car.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Too many bread crumbs and pieces of cereal you know you haven’t bought in over a year? I get that. Us men are too messy.

      Could this be a romantic gesture like this is his way of bringing the beach to you? Hop in the car, you’re at the shore.

  2. Addie says:

    For me the first thing to always break is the plug in where the lighter used to go. Once that happens, I can’t recharge my phone or my GPS or my music so, I drive around lost, unable to ask anyone I know where I am while sitting in a silent car. It’s all so sad.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I received a GPS for Christmas 2 years ago. I didn’t use it because I don’t drive many places I’m unfamiliar with. Then I finally did need it and discovered my cigarette lighter too is broken. I guess the GPS is still useful if I’m walking places…sort of.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    It’s like this was a post written for me!

    “Ultimate chick magnet mobile. It actually came with a condom holder it was designed to attract women so badly.”

    I’m definitely using that.

    My old Ford Fiesta has had some expensive work done to it over the years I’ve had it, especially when my engine blew its lid. Then when it started getting various leaks and I was sick of having to top up oil every two weeks I decided to trade up and get a MG TF, which is a lot faster than what I had before, however my clutch went last week. The previous owner did a patch job on it when it broke last time and the whole thing siezed up which meant I had to spend £600 on a new clutch.

    Still, I love it. There’s nothing better than having a convertible in the summer, downside is I’m in England so there is no summer. I had it down the moment we have a glimpse of sunshine yesterday then it started hammering it down with rain while I was on the motorway and had to pull over. Cars beeped at me driving past as I was putting the roof back up but the last laughs on them because I have a convertible and they don’t!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know one person from the UK and he too has a convertable. He’s probably just happy to have 2 straight months of 90+ degree weather.

      I actually did think about you when I wrote this. Much better than thinking about you during other moments in my life of course.

  4. If there’s one thing in life I hate, it’s cars — everything from purchasing to servicing to registering and licensing, etc. They’re a heap of trouble. Strangely enough I like driving but I need to know that it’s reliable, otherwise I’ll stress. I wish I could replace my car every year with a new one – then I’d never worry.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Or replace your car with having everything come to you. I have never had fun owning a car. It’s by far the most expensive thing I’ve had to deal with and I’m not even someone who takes that great care of mine. It’s like having a child I don’t like much but want to survive anyway.

  5. Lily says:

    Nothing in my car sucks. Sorry to be unrealatable. Apparently that’s not a word. Sorry to be awesome. One time on a road trip, I put my feet up on the dash and I broke one of the air conditioning vents. Like, my foot went through it. I know you said not to mention a/c but too bad.

  6. Sometimes my seatbelts lock up until I have a chance to put the car into reverse – so there have been moments of flailing arms as I’m smashed against the seat until I can get off the highway and into a parking lot. Alternatively, there have been many fights pre-seatbelt-application whereby I yank on the wretched bitch for a lengthy exercise in futility before giving up and just putting the damn car in reverse. Oh, and I can’t see shit with my headlights – they’re from like 1974 – even other cars can’t see me, because their flashy new headlights cancel out mine. It’s safe. And awesome.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never realized everything from 1974 wasn’t dead yet. Your seatbelts remind me of roller coasters. How if you push down slightly or not enough you spend the ride with bruised shoulders or fearing you’ll fly out.

  7. The only other thing I’m dumber with than cars are video games. Sometimes I think I only really lived before the Industrial Revolution.

  8. Nifti says:

    Laugh out Loud! This is hilarious. I don’t understand how any of the other comenters managed to stay level headed with their comments. I can’t get past the condom holder, and racks… er breasts… LOL

  9. You are one funny, disturbed individual. Would you let me into your car if I got a pixie haircut, because I could rock that look.

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