Happy Things

Posted: September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Art at Pouring My Art Out wished for me to basically write a post devoid of jokes involving race, sex, religion, or abuse and it must not have any outlandish opinion to it. In other words, he wanted me to write something nobody would ever want to read. He did however say it should be about happy things or at least I think he did. So here’s a post about happy things without any insults to anybody. I feel like throwing up. What’s something that makes everybody happy? Animals! Here are some things about my experiences with certain animals. It’s completely appropriate for children too as there are no insults or foul language.

(This post can be enjoyed by everyone in this picture)


I grew up in a home with pussies. We had three pussies in total. The first two were named Stephanie and her brother’s name was pronounced “Stah-Shoe” which I am told is the Yiddish name for Stanley. I’m scratching my head too. The third cat we had was named Briscoe after the Bruce Campbell show Briscoe County Junior. At least we watched the show.

Stephanie’s strangest quark involved her sleeping habits. There were only two places she ever slept, in the “messy room” on an old air conditioner and on my bed. She shed a lot and I have always been allergic to cats so I always tried convincing her the air conditioner was better. Still, it was nice to know I had the most comfortable bed in the house in a room with a door that could not shut.

“Stah-Shoe” was a tough cat. By the time I could have memories he only had one good eye. He was always getting into fights with other cats in our old home in Edison, New Jersey which I am told was a tough neighborhood. He was a black cat who purred louder than anything else. He was probably the most cuddly of the cats I ever had ownership over. He also has the highest kill count if you’re scoring at home.

Briscoe was more my older sister’s cat. My mom did not like him very much. He always peed in the corner of the living room and was a general annoyance. In a lot of ways he’s exactly like McGwire the Dog, more of a pest than a companion. I think this is what happens when animals are overly babied. Briscoe was still a nice cat who never minded being picked up and swung around the room. At least, he never said it annoyed him.

(Little pussies are my favorite)


It seems like every dog I meet is a male dog, never a bitch. I prefer bitches. Female dogs usually like male humans more and vice versa. I had mastership over one female dog in my lifetime, her name was Baylee.

The first time I met Baylee was when I came home from school one winter day in 2nd grade. She was extremely thin at the time after the abuse she endured. Baylee sat on the couch and when I opened the door her head poked up. It was love at first sight. By far she was the coolest dog ever. She had bad hips yet was still a great athlete. I could throw balls to her and like Air Bud she would hit them up in the air.

Baylee was a great companion for a young boy. She even somewhat understood soccer rules. A dog comprehended that she was supposed to block a ball from going one way and that she was trying to push it in the other direction. McGwire the dog still doesn’t understand his heavy breathing is the least sexy noise to wake up to. I miss Baylee.

(Two bitches playing Frisbee together)


In America it’s illegal to own an ass. Asses, otherwise known in children’s books as donkeys, are not great pets. I’m not exactly sure why. Has anyone ever tried it? I think we need to give them a chance.

There’s not much I can say about these animals. Nobody goes to a zoo to see them. I know asses are important in some countries where they are used as transportation. In America their only purpose is to run for public office and screw over the kind people who live in this fine country.

(Check out these adorable asses rubbing together)


Some people wake up from the sound a cock makes. It sounds like “cock-a-doodle-doo!” I think we have all at some point in our life thought about quitting our jobs and working on a farm. I know I have. There’s something about living on a farm that seems so pure and beautiful. Your biggest responsibility is making sure you’re pulling your weight.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a nice cock. Whenever I do see a rooster they’re always scary. Aren’t emus just giant roosters? Emus are the scariest animal on the planet and yes I’m including Megashark in this debate. I don’t know if I would ever want to wake up from a rooster cawing. I prefer my phone alarm because at least my phone doesn’t creep me out.

(Three cocks just hanging out doing their thing in a public park)

There you go. A nice post where I did not degrade anyone and managed to keep everything completely family friendly. If we learned anything here it’s to never trust me to grant you a wish with a positive result in the end.

  1. Lily says:

    I see what you did there. But seriously, Stah shoe?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t know the correct spelling and I don’t think anyone in my family did either. How often does a cat have to write his name anyway? It wasn’t an issue until now.

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    You’re very clever. This post made me literally ROFLMFAO but in an unliteral way.

  3. joehoover says:

    The father in the bed has really long arms.

  4. Who names a cat Stephanie? Weird.

  5. Oh… you came so close…
    You do get extra points for being clever about how close to the edge you were skating. (That ‘two bitches’ bit did send you off the cliff, but if this was a video game, you did good)…
    I think this experiment was good for you. Think of being obnoxious as eating steak. You can do it every day if you want, and when you are young, it won’t hurt you too much. But someday you will be huge and have plugged arteries and die alone. And if you only eat steak on the weekends, you really do appreciate it a lot more. You have something to look forward to.
    I do not buy your theory that this was family friendly… unless you mean the Addams family, or Dog the bounty hunter’s family. Or Ted Nuggents family. Or Brittany Spear’s family.
    But you tried. And I liked it. And it was still funny.
    So now go out and rip some people some new assholes tomorrow. You deserve it. And no doubt they do too.
    And remember, I did this to help you grow as a person… (because let’s face it, you are the runt of the litter)… not because I care if you offend people or because I give a crap if the world is full of posts about sunshine and rainbows.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad I gained your approval for this one. The hardest part was coming up with a topic. I tried writing about puppies and lollipops but it felt too douchey and fake. At least this remained in my own voice and I added some spunk to it.

      As for dying alone, I’ve accepted that fate already.

      And look, you got a free plug out of it and everything.

      • You did good. And I forgot to thank you for the plug. So, thanks. I enjoyed it. Now see how nasty you can be. See how many groups of people you can piss off. You deserve it, and so do they.

  6. Luddy's Lens says:

    Oh, the cocks around here are always going off! And so aggressive at breakfast! One must constantly snatch one’s muffin away!

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention the benefits of a murder. Really, a large group of crows helps keep the neighborhood free of dead things and other garbage.

  7. I have done posts on Caulk and Uranus, but never four riveting topics at once like this post. Impressive, according to the preschool class I read it to!

  8. I was going to make a comment about hoes too but Pete Howorth beat me to it. What about cans or jugs or melons? Or beavers? You didn’t mention your thoughts about them. Can you write another post?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ahhh beavers! I completely forgot. Those would have gone perfectly with this. What is there to really say about beavers that I didn’t already say about pussies though? They’re similar creatures except beavers are usually around more wood.

      A sequel may be in the works.

  9. Addie says:

    As an impartial observer, I’m going to say you succeeded in the task at hand. But, seriously, Stephanie? (asks the woman who has a cat named DurDur Cat).

  10. Nice. I love how you follow directions.

  11. Well… at least no animals were harmed in writing this post.

    And the tags were so funny all by themselves, as well as the line “It’s been a while since I saw a nice cock”. I just about howled with laughter, although I would expect better from someone who’s a gay man trapped in a straight man’s body. Or something.

  12. linda says:

    who names a cat stephine

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