This year is an election year in America. In other words, it means we get really excited that things will change but we all secretly know they won’t. This disappointment leads to something else. It’s called a revolution. I see that word every year. Mostly coming from the lips of people who have no idea what they’re talking about. Usually, soaked in whiskey.

(Future Freedom Fighters of America)

Sure, I would love if things were different. That would be great. I also know that a revolution isn’t the way to go. The Beatles, who were never held accountable for inspiring the Manson Family Murders, had a song where they talked about a revolution. Are they the best people to lead a revolution? They couldn’t even stick together. Before they even became famous they kicked out their drummer. That’s not loyalty. For a revolution to start you need to be loyal to the cause. They tossed Pete Best out into the streets of Liverpool like he wasn’t the best option. He clearly was. His last name said so. Instead they went for Ringo Starr. They cared more about stardom then they did about being the best. Fuck the Beatles. Fuck them and their “all you need is love” mentality. You need more than love. You need the ability to duck from the bullets of fat retarded fan boys.

(He kind of does look like Lennon with a few extra pounds and insanity)

I don’t believe that most people who want this revolution to take place really know what they’re getting into. The American Revolution was huge. It led to freedoms that never existed before. Same thing goes for the French Revolution. They got to cut off their leader’s head! All because she told them to go eat cake. That’s how you know people are pissed off. When they are told to eat a delicious dessert and they cut off your head. A revolution in this country wouldn’t really get us much. What freedoms don’t we really have? We can’t run around naked and we can’t control other people’s minds. I would love to do both of those things. I walk around naked for hours at home and whenever I see a cute girl I always attempt to get her to think “I want to kiss him. Get up and kiss him.” Those things will probably never be possible. I won’t go into why but I’ll blame the Republicans because they’re easy to blame for things I don’t understand.

(It’s Ron’s fault I couldn’t find my car in the parking lot the other day)

Starting a revolution means a few things. For starters, lots of people are going to die. I mean a massive amount. At least a third of us would have to die to just prove a point. I don’t know if that’s really worth it. I’m not willing to die so that people who don’t exist yet have even more rights than they would already have in today’s world. I don’t think you would be willing to either. Some countries do need bloody violent revolutions. That’s because in those countries they live in huts and can’t have their late night talk show hosts do parody interviews about their leaders. Have you seen an episode of The People’s Republic of the Congo’s “Late Night with Dirikeyumbo Mononotouba”? It’s all dick jokes. That one mention of how oppressive the dictator is. The second thing that I will mention about revolutions in this paragraph is that there are too many damn people in the United States for it. We’re too big and too spread out for it to ever be successful. What will end up happening is we’d break up into little territories. We’d basically become Russia. Nobody wants to be Russia. They’re so 80s.

I really don’t even know what there is to complain about politically in this country. Yeah, the distribution of wealth stinks. Families hoard all of their money and for generations their spoiled kids go on to be wealthy and successful too. The only way to stop this is to stop fucking these people. If you meet a Kennedy, do not sleep with them. Don’t let the Carnegies, the Bushes, and the Rockefellers of the world into your pants. If we stop having sex with them then they stop existing. Think of them like pandas. Let’s make those tycoons extinct by forcing them to have sex with each other only to produce inbred children with ears for legs.

I urge you, don’t start a revolution. Leave your Muse songs or your Rise Against music in your file of music title “Good idea, bad approach.” Yeah, the government stinks and they could probably do more to help us out. I just don’t think things are so bad when the worst thing that happens in your day is that your iPad has too much grease on the screen.

  1. Not everyone would have to guts to dissect the Beatles hypocrisy so forcefully. It is certainly much easier to call for a revolution than it is to take part in it.

    • mooselicker says:

      Ask any Beatles fan under 25 what their favorite 5 Beatles songs are and I guarantee it’s the only 5 Beatles songs they know. It’s time somebody started an anti-Beatles Revolution. Or like most revolutions, just bring it up as an interesting idea and grab a snack instead.

  2. dan says:

    If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    If Linda McMahon doesnt get the senate seat this year she may aswell go back to acting like a spastic in a wheel chair on RAW.

  4. AgrippingLife says:

    I think you’ve got a real handle on American politics and government. I feel much better about the future knowing that your generation will be in charge. Haha! jK!

    • mooselicker says:

      I’m sure there’s some kid out there born in the 1990s who has a good idea of what to do. Maybe I wouldn’t be so bad. I’d be willing to listen to everyone for opinions on how to solve the problems. But I do get final say. Hmm best that I don’t make a run for office.

  5. Lily says:

    I like your stance on The Beatles and mind control. I think the US gives people more of an opportunity to make their own success story than other countries. I wrote a paper in England about how they still have a class system and how no one can really become rich if they’re born poor. And vice versa I guess. It’s kind of depressing.
    But I don’t know anything about politics so who knows.

    • mooselicker says:

      If you’ve ever seen a Michael Douglas or Martin Sheen film (I think they’re the same man) you know at least a little about politics. Most poor people never become rich. You either have to be super talented or an amazing criminal.

  6. I went to a “contact meeting” tonight for my neighborhood. It’s a bunch of residents with big ideas and no actual on-the-ground action. My best friend and I have been working on our neighborhood park, and have done two workdays with grant proposals, and are on our way to big changes, but with not enough bodies. That being said, there were a bunch of people who can’t decide if they need flyers, or kiosks, or both. Priorities! I’m sure this is applicable to a much larger scale, is what I’m getting at.

    • mooselicker says:

      Haha no, I see how it’s relevant. You have to fix your own problems and start small. If every community cleaned itself up then there’d really be no need to complain about the president. I hope your park isn’t that bad. The one nearest to me growing up was nicknamed “Satan Park” by my parents because it was always covered in broken glass. They cleaned it up a bit though. Probably was a gust of wind that blew the glass away.

  7. The French love revolutions. They are on something like their billionth republic.

    Good job The Beatles weren’t French.

  8. I want to be Russia. I like the eighties and I’ll probably learn how to speak Russian too.
    And deep within I hope to start a revolution with my blog.
    So I’m sorry but I have to disagree with you today!

    • mooselicker says:

      If you manage to start a revolution with a blog, trust me, I will back you up. No matter what the revolution is. I just hope I don’t get killed in public for my actions. Not enough privacy.

  9. morris says:

    Why are the British Always Rioting?

    A Short History of the British Rioting

  10. Cafe23 says:

    Damn, I guess I need to delete “Uprising” from my Revolution playlist. Or delete the Revolution playlist altogether. There goes my dreams of taking over the world. Was gonna make you commander in chief of my army, but I guess you’ll just have to stick to your day job.

  11. Addie says:

    I may be in love with you

    • mooselicker says:

      You still don’t sound too sure about that.

      • Addie says:

        It takes me a bit to commit. I refused to give up Corn Flakes for Frosted Corn Flakes for years.

      • mooselicker says:

        Frosted Flakes are so much better. Here’s a list of their slogans.

        Frosted Flakes
        Show’em you’re a tiger, Show’em what you can do, the taste of Tony’s Frosted Flakes, brings out the tiger in you, in you!
        They’re more than good, they’re greeeeat!

        Okay, that’s only 2 and I had to add the second one in because the website I searched didn’t have that. But looks at Corn Flakes:

        1983, Sit down to a familiar face

        Not only does that suck, but it was only around for a year. I think they were trying to capitalize off of the Ronald Reagan love and growing fear of strangers in America.

  12. Emily He says:

    Everything you said about revolution and the US goes for revolution and China (especially the part about the pandas). The last time China had a revolution, look where that led us: Immorality and immense wealth for the minority, distrust and hard labor for the majority. It completely backfired. Guess that’s what happens when uneducated people lead revolutions….(Do the Beatles have college degrees or high school diplomas? I’ve never even wondered about this…but WHY WOULD I HAVE? They’re revolutionary! They didn’t need an education!!)

    • mooselicker says:

      I think you and I need to come up with 10 questions about each other’s countries. You lived in the US so maybe you’re not as naive about here as I am about China. Like I’ve always wondered, do parents ever tell their children not to dig a hole because if they go too deep they’ll end up in America? We get that all the time but about China.

      • Emily He says:

        YOU DO? HAHAHA. My parents aren’t “typically” Chinese, but if they were, they would probably tell me to keep digging till I find treasure that could buy us a new Mercedes Benz. Otherwise, no dinner for me, and they know how much that would hurt me.

      • mooselicker says:

        Oh yeah that’s a real common statement in the US. Like parents will say to eat your food because there are starving children in China. I think they go to Africa now because we’re less racist and acknowledge them as a continent.

      • Emily He says:

        oh yeah I know that one, but my parents never used that on me. Instead, my grandma told me to eat my food so lightning wouldn’t strike me. It worked!

        Also, (this is funny) I think you have the impression that I’m actually FROM China. I was born and raised in Boston, lived in New York, and NOW I’m in China. It’s okay, I was confused myself. Of course I still have funny stories from my Chinese upbringing and even funnier experiences living in China, which is why i started my blog! So I can remember everything and laugh about it when I’m 80 (assuming wordpress will still be around in 57 years)!

      • mooselicker says:

        Okay so you’re not as smart as I thought you were. I assumed you were born in China and somehow managed to become extremely Americanized anyway. Instead you’re a traitor to your homeland. I guess you still are smarter though. I only know things about one country. You know things about two. That’s twice as much. You’re twice as smart as me. Damn it.

      • Emily He says:

        Hahaha I WIN!!! Did you know Emily in Latin means winner? Makes so much sense, because I always win.

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