Anniversaries

Today marks my one year anniversary of creating this blog. I won’t go too into history or background behind it. It would remind me too much of my birthdays as a child when my parents would tell me how happy they were that each had drinking problems and rented that Sharon Stone film to get them in the mood. I’m joking of course. Even by the time I was conceived Sharon Stone was on a down trend and my parents never would have admitted to having drinking problems. Except when they were mad at me. Then they’d say they were sorry they were such drunks and made such a disappointment of a son.

(Me, sad on my birthday. Why was I so upset this year? My cake design was pumpkin, Lincoln log cabin, giant snowman. I wanted ninjas)

Anniversary is a Latin word meaning “anally” and we only get our anuses checked out once a year by a doctor. We’re supposed to get it done twice a year but what’s 6 months? That’s why we have anniversaries once a year. To match up with our anal examinations. Sometimes people use the word inappropriately. Kids will say it’s their one week anniversary of dating someone. Actually, no. It’s not. You must last one entire year for it to be an anniversary. But you won’t last a year. You eat boogers and are fat and your girlfriend has braces and the biggest boobs in the 5th grade. The second a 6th grader with a mustache spots her, she’s his.

I’m never sure if bad things should be called anniversaries. Deaths, break-ups, cancer diagnosis, theatrical film release of Charlie St. Cloud, all of them are terrible yet there’s no better word than anniversary to use each year on that date. Pearl Harbor had the day that will live in infamy. But that’s a mouthful. Who even uses the word infamy when they’re not talking about Japanese sneak attacks? FDR had to use big words and great catchphrases. His twin brother Teddy Roosevelt came up with “talk softly and carry a big stick.” That’s an awesome quote. If I was a librarian/woodsman I would use it all the time. Teddy Roosevelt will always be my hero because he, like me, suffered from asthma as a child. He also refused to kill a bear. I’ve never killed a bear either. I believe Teddy was the one who formed the Bull-Moose political party. You see where I’m going with this? All I need is a mustache and a charge up a Cuban hill and we’re the same guy.

(One’s a neat freak and the other knows how to party hard. If they were actually brothers this could be great on NBC Wednesday night lineup)

The most common anniversaries that are celebrated in a positive light are marriages and birthdays. A marriage anniversary is simply called an anniversary. It has no special word because nobody outside of the two heterosexuals in the relationship really care. Gay people don’t have real anniversaries. They have fraudaversaries. A gay anniversary would be kind of weird. They’d get together at a diner and talk about how they first met at the truck stop. That’s how I understand gay people to be at least. Replace all places with truck stop, all activities with felching, and all names with Bruce Vilanch. Birthdays have their own special name. We all have a birthday. Men from the Caribbean sometimes have two birthdays, years apart. They don’t keep very good track of their birth certificates in those countries. I think they use their certificates as coconut bibs.

(Why do we always forget that this is the ugliest man alive?) 

I look back at my old documents on my computer from a year ago to see where my life was at. I don’t remember much of what I was doing other than struggling with ideas. Last April and May had been very unproductive months for me. I resorted to filling out some type of character profile to help try to spark some ideas on a shitty idea that I had. I’m sure you’ve seen them before. You answer dumb irrelevant questions about your fake person like what their favorite color is and what they’d do if they found a human head in the toilet after taking a dump. My character was just an asshole. It had already been a month of not having any brand new ideas so I decided to start-up a blog which nobody read. That continued for a month until my neighbor’s Internet I was stealing was blocked. Luckily I wised up and realized I don’t need to create characters. There are already so many nutty people around me. I can write about them! And that’s a little blurb on how to get over writer’s block. Do what I do and write about the idiots you encounter everyday. Give them a rocket ship or have them die in a horrific car accident. Remember to change their names though. Unless you’re pretty sure they’ll be dead by the time anyone else reads it. That’s my rule anyway.

A year from now who knows where I will be? I’d like to think I’d be so incredibly famous and busy to continue blogging but I know that probably will not be true. This is the longest I’ve consistently kept a blog going so there’s some celebrating to do I guess. There are so many pluralized topics to continue to go over. So many truths to be told and stories to be shared. On April 28, 2013, post-Mayan Apocalypse we can all laugh about how silly we were on this day. How fat we got in that year. How different yet the same our lives are. That’s why I think we have anniversaries. They help us progress further. Give us something to look forward to. Remind us that we need a finger up our butts.

(I never thought I’d say this but this stock photo is giving me an erection. She looks like she actually wants me to bend over for her)