I realized something recently. I hate Hollywood films. I feel real pretentious saying this. I feel like a Radiohead fan, you know, someone who only likes something because it’s cool to like it. Am I really supposed to believe Radiohead is good? The guy’s playing the guitar and crying half the time. Oh you think you’re ugly? How about you buy a new face. Oh look at me I’m Radiohead and I give away free things on my website because I’m a common man. Yeah, good idea. Wait until you’ve made your millions to do that. I fucking hate Radiohead.
Rather than discuss why I seem to enjoy independent films more than Hollywood ones like a douchebag Radiohead fan I want to let you know a few bigger budget films that are notoriously known for being bad yet I enjoy. For the record my favorite movies in order are The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly first followed by Taxi Driver second followed by a two-way tie between The Naked Gun and Dumber and Dumber. I probably should have stopped after the first two classics to earn your respect.
Vertical Limit: I love any movie that you can describe as Die Hard on a fill in the blank. This film is basically Die Hard on a mountain. I know Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone really is Die Hard on a mountain but I want to talk about Vertical Limit instead because Sylvester’s lips scare me. The film is basically about a rescue crew going up Mount Everest’s redheaded twin brother K2 to save some people who fell down a hole in a mountain. There are a lot of intense and awesome death scenes involving hanging off cliffs and getting his by avalanches. I haven’t seen this movie in years and I was actually thinking about buying it recently. I didn’t though because I didn’t have the 50 cents Best Buy wanted for it.
(Such a 90s cover. Also, Robin Tunney and Bill Paxton are in this? I never knew I was such a Bill Paxton fan)
Frailty: This is a Bill Paxton movie. I remember the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton with this formula; Bill Paxton is in Big Love and Frailty which both have major religious themes. PAX is the name of the religious channel known for Supermarket Sweep and Wonder Years reruns. PAX TV as in Bill Paxton. Bill Pullman is best known for his roles in humorous films like Spaceballs and Mr. Wrong. Pulling someone’s leg is a phrase used for joking around. The root of “pulling” is pull and that makes me think of Bill Pullman, a funny guy. As far as this actual movie goes it’s really good and is about a religious serial killer who brainwashes his sons to help him. Seriously, this is a really good movie and you should see it.
(Why do serial killers always have to cut off heads? It’s so messy. Also the only thing stopping me from becoming one)
The Last Action Hero: Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Tina Turner, Chevy Chase, Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ian McKellan all thought so highly of this film they made cameos, several playing themselves or revisiting old characters. Some say this film destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. The film is about a lonely teenage boy who gets a golden ticket from an old movie projectionist. The projectionist got the ticket from Harry Houdini backstage after a show and if you do the math that would mean the projectionist would have to be at least 80 years old in order to have had this happened based on when Houdini died. The kid gets sucked into the action film and has to help Arnie save the day even when the fictional characters enter the real world. I actually own this film and watched it as recently as a month ago because it’s so fantastic. Okay, maybe it’s not fantastic but it’s definitely not as terrible as everyone makes it out to be.
(Some say this ruined Arnie’s career. Others say I called him Arnie here because I didn’t feel like typing out his last name)
Wishmaster: For a time this was my favorite film. I’ve talked about it before and I’m going to talk about it again. This was a Wes Craven project about an evil genie who grants wishes in an insulting way. When he grants a wish for you then he gets your soul. Before my family had the Internet we had a book with every movie listed and a review of the film. Wishmaster had no stars. Instead it had a big fat turkey next to it. I immediately threw the book into a fire after seeing this. I don’t generally like horror films but this is one I could always get behind. I like when people wish for a million dollars and then their mothers die in plane crashes and they get the insurance money.
(Is this poster in Spanish? Maybe people in Mexico liked this movie. Even when a Mexican wish backfires it’s better than having a normal wishless Mexican life)
Little Big League: Films like The Sandlot and Rookie of the Year were popular in the 1990s for little boys and lesbians who were into baseball. I went in a different direction. I chose to be a fan of a film called Little Big League. The premise was something more akin to my interest. A little leaguer’s grandpa is the owner of the Minnesota Twins then croaks because that’s what old people do. This 12 year old boy becomes the Twins’ new owner and he has to prove he can do it. I’ve known probably since I was around 12 that I would never be a big leaguer so the next best thing would be to own a team. Unfortunately I can barely pay to play fantasy baseball so I’ll just have to watch this movie over and over again.
(Yeah because a child could handle the sports media world and give a press conference. Bullshit. Go fuck yourself reality)
Epic Movie: I know these guys get a bad reputation for putting together garbage films, but I think we all need to…okay I can’t go any further. Everything these guys do suck.
(Nobody even talks about 300 anymore which makes this film an even bigger disaster. Don’t worry about how far your breasts may sag, they will never flop as much as the writers of these films)
Dirty Work: Of all the movies I listed here this is the only one I ever watched in school. Once you find out the premise you’ll understand how it was relevant to my Ancient/Mediaeval History class. Norm McDonald and Artie Lange have always been great at getting revenge on people through pranks and such. When they’re in need of money they open up a revenge for hire business where they’ll do your dirty work for you. See how much this has to do with the Ming Dynasty. Although the film slows down in the third act as too many comedies do it still has a lot of great lines and gags. For you Chris Farley fans, and I know you’re out there and many because fat people always like Chris Farley and fat people also like looking at things on the Internet, this was the last film he ever did. Too bad it was a box office disappointment. Who would have thought Norm McDonald wasn’t a massive draw?
What are some movies you adore that nobody seems to understand your love for?
Mooselicker 
I really enjoyed Water World and The Postman…both Costner movies….and basically both the same movie too.
One has water and one has mail. Do you think mailmen would still deliver if the world was made of water? I know they continue through rain and sleet and snow.
I’m not sure if mailmen would…but I know Kevin Costner sure as hell would.
Hahahaha he used to be so damn cool…
Yeah…I think he’s going to make a comeback. He’s playing Superman’s dad in the new movie….Jonathan Kent…not Jor-El…..the geek is seeping through your screen right as we speak.
I loved Last Action Hero when I was a kid, but I’ve found that I don’t really care for much that I like as a kid any more.
I can’t really think of anything off the top of my head that I like that no one else really does….but I’m sure there’s something.
I’ve actually never seen Predator yet I own Last Action Hero. It’s very underrated. If it came out today I think people would say it was genius as long as they don’t have too many F. Murray Abraham jokes.
You drop so many references in your posts that I need an outline to address them all.
I. Radiohead
a. I agree.
b. Totally overrated.
c. Fans=douches
II. Taxi Driver
a. Great movie.
b. I should have guessed you liked this movie.
III. Dirty Work
a. Husband talks about this movie constantly.
b. I usually ignore him.
Now would you hand over that “dorkiest comment in the history of blogging” award to me? I think I earned it.
::hands it over::
I’m glad someone else doesn’t like Radiohead. It must be the Smashing Pumpkins fan in you. Creep is a great song, but after that it’s British guys whining.
Taxi Driver? I had a mohawk for like 4 years. I still have the green military jacket too. What a psycho I was.
“You haven’t lived until you’ve done it with a bearded lady.”
“Note to self. I don’t want to live.”
I own “Dirty Work.” Gary Coleman’s really made that movie for me. “Bring It!”
I wonder if his surviving relatives still get royalties each time the movie is on TV. Who am I kidding? It’s never on TV.
The Last Action Hero really is a great film though, there’s no reason for anyone to dislike it.
Not seen or heard of the others. I reckon you made them up.
I made up Bill Paxton. He’s like Simone in the movie Simone with Al Pacino. Now please tell me you haven’t seen that.
I know, right? I go to movies now and I just hope they don’t suck. Like the new James Bond movie. Am I the only one who thinks it is stupid that the bad guy got himself captured just to end up on public transportation? And he somehow made Bond stand exactly under the train when he blew up the tracks and made the train fall and Bond had to jump out of the way. What if Bond had been a few seconds late? Or the train a few seconds early? Would the guy have had to stand on the ladder till the next train came?
Plus, there is always some asshole knocking his feet on the back of my chair. I have size 15 feet and I don’t do that. Screw movies!
You’re right about Skyfall. I thought it was good but like, people seem to be kissing its ass a little too much. The bad guy didn’t come into the movie until halfway through and when he did all he did was get captured then the film was basically them taking turns playing Home Alone.
I can’t relate to the big feet thing. You’ve got 4 sizes on me.
Four sizes if we are only talking about feet… ha!
I haven’t seen any of this movies… yet ;).
None? Dirty Work probably never made it to Belgium as it probably shouldn’t have.
Hahaha, we’re too far away, the rubbish gets filtered already ;).
Hey! Hollywood’s had its niche for a while. It was a REALLY BIG niche. Now it’s a smaller one. The independent movies have a lot to offer, usually because they’re trying harder/free of the money-guys. Well, that’s how I see it. But maybe they’re not independent at all. Maybe its a hoax to make us like them better, just because we’d think they’re out there all alone in the world, no gluttonous Hollywood monolith behind them? Nah…
I have a cousin named Bill Paxton. That’s how I tell Paxton and Pullman apart. Your way is good, too. Have you seen “1600” yet?
My list! Thank you for asking. Do they have to be indies? I don’t keep track of who makes them. That means I have to actually read the credits.
“Stripes”
“Nosferatu”
“Monsters, Inc.”
Nearly any Three Stooges movie (I prefer them with Shemp, though)
“Brassed Off”
“Young Frankenstein”
“Edward Scissorhands”
“Airplane”
“The Ritz” (mostly because of F. Murray Abraham’s acting and Treat Williams’ incredible falsetto voice)
“The Deadly Mantis”
🙂
Geez. Now I don’t know if the ones in my list are underrated or not. Well, so be it. I’m sure someone underrated them. No one I know likes any of the movies I like. That’s got to mean something.
😉
Ha some on your list are. They might be well-known but they don’t get the credit they deserve. My list was mostly 90s films. I have such a love for the 90s musically and theatrically. Such a “coming of age” time in America and in my life I guess.
Yes, that’s how it works: we see the movies through the lenses of our lives and what’s happening to us then. Each decade brings a new perspective to them. But the ones that we connect with at those esp pivotal times are the ones that we never forget and for which we never lose our affection (or animosity…depending).
I don’t know who Radiohead is.
But I saw most of “Radio.”
::runs::
I liked Last Action Hero. I didn’t see Vertical Limit because I detest Bill Paxton. DETEST.
Is it his jaw? I didn’t notice his weird “goes up too high toothy smile” until Big Love. There’s something wrong with it.
The jaw doesn’t help. I think it’s that I can’t get past when he played Chet in “Weird Science.”