Posts Tagged ‘film’

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger


In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns-michelle-pfeiffer-michael-keaton

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman


I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes


Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal


Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.

Childhood past time(Remember childhood when the only thing that blew were bubbles? I mean, if you were lucky of course. I wasn’t raised Catholic)

My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.


Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.

Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.

Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.

Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.

Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.

Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.

Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.

The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.

The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.

Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.


Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.

The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.

Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.

Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.

The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.

The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.

Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.

Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.

Cutting Numbers – A  mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.

Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.

Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.

Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.

The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.

Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.

Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.

Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.

Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.

Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”

Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.

White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.

Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?

In the Jewish culture a boy becomes a man when he remembers some old language with a lot of “k” sounds. I’m not Jewish so how do I know when I become a man? Pubic hair? I think I became a man when I did something I never thought I’d have to do. I became a man when I went to the movies by myself. I used to think the guy at the movies by himself was a creep. I would laugh with my friends and be all like “Check out the loser. Where’s his trench coat? A police evidence locker?” And then one day I wanted to go to the movies and had no one to go with. Here are the movies I saw alone in theaters as well as my review of the films, but mostly the situations.

Slumdog Millionaire: I lost my movie theater alone watching virginity to Slumdog Millionaire. At least it was popular and kind of long, which when it comes to first times can be a little too much if you can’t handle it. That was a poorly worded penis joke. The movie theater was not far at all from where I was living and I remember showing up really early. It was a Sunday afternoon and I thought I’d get something to eat and maybe get really drunk in a bar alone then go to the movie. I decided not to get drunk and instead ate a sandwich then walked around a shopping center for two hours until the movie began. When it started I was the only one in the theater and I made sure to yell “Fire!” and “Rape!” in the middle of the movie because I could get away with it. The movie was pretty good too.

freida-pinto-golden-globes-2009(Is the guy on the far left Danny Boyle? Whoever he is, he has a head shaped like a gourd)

Watchmen: The comic book film come to life was the second film I saw in theaters alone. I met a girl on a train who I had really high hopes for because she was actually following me around and purposefully stood near me on the train and started a conversation. I asked her for her phone number, which I never do after a 20 minute conversation, and things seemed to be great. Then I called her and her phone was off so I waited another day to call her. The second time I called her I left a message asking if she was free and wanted to meet-up somewhere. Then I called one more time and didn’t leave a message. I spent that April Fool’s Day at the movie theater alone. As far as the movie goes, it was pretty good.

Malin-Akerman-Watchmen(Broken-hearted, I was left with falling in love with the one person who would never let me down, a hot fictional character)

Hamlet 2: I never saw the first Hamlet and I really didn’t have to. This was a comedy about a school putting on an offensive play called Hamlet 2. I remember it was really hot when I went to see this by myself. I had on my The Punisher t-shirt. There were two girls sitting in the row in front of me. One girl was a somewhat attractive and her friend was a mushy-faced blonde. There were only a few others in the theater so they couldn’t make a Tim-sandwich like they probably wanted to. I’m pretty sure there was a little kid in the theater too which is weird for a movie with a lot of cussing and nothing relatable for an 8-year-old. The movie was not fantastic, but still pretty good.

hamlet_2__1219374971_2186-1(The most famous scene from Hamlet 2. I’m kidding. That movie has no famous scenes)

The Mummy 3 – The One That Takes Place In China: I loved the other movies in The Mummy franchise. They’re fun and action-packed. The only reason I saw this movie was because I had a gift card and needed to use it. I went to see this movie on my lunch break at work. It was a “let’s see if I can get away with this” plan. And I did. Work was really slow at the time and I didn’t feel like working slowly to avoid having to learn something new or getting sent home early. Instead I decided to watch a Brendan Fraser film. I probably saved someone’s job. The review for the film, it wasn’t pretty good.

maria bello(The one on the left was supposed to play the one on the right. Couldn’t they have just killed her character off? It was probably the first movie Maria Bello ever did where she didn’t show off her vagina)

Django Unchained: I think this is the last film I saw by myself. I may have missed one, but who cares? Like when I went to see one movie the girl I was with kept getting up out of her seat to talk to her boyfriend on the phone outside. Why did I ever willingly go to the movies with a girl who had a boyfriend? Damn. Those were confusing times. I saw Django last Christmas and of course I thought everyone around was assuming I was there to blow up the theater. I always think people assume I’m there to kill them all whenever I’m somewhere by myself. I’m a white male in his 20s. Killing random people in mass is what we think about most. I sat next to a black woman and a Spanish guy as the film sold out. The black woman texted the whole time and the Spanish guy stared at her and cleared his throat the whole time. Despite this, the film was more than pretty good.

django-unchained-walton-goggins(Walton Goggins, the star of Django Unchained. Or maybe I just appreciate what a great villain he is and his lack of a hairline and giant gums give me hope)

Have you ever gone to the movies by yourself? What did you see? Did anyone look at you funny? Did you think it was because your fly was unzipped?

I realized something recently. I hate Hollywood films. I feel real pretentious saying this. I feel like a Radiohead fan, you know, someone who only likes something because it’s cool to like it. Am I really supposed to believe Radiohead is good? The guy’s playing the guitar and crying half the time. Oh you think you’re ugly? How about you buy a new face. Oh look at me I’m Radiohead and I give away free things on my website because I’m a common man. Yeah, good idea. Wait until you’ve made your millions to do that. I fucking hate Radiohead.

Rather than discuss why I seem to enjoy independent films more than Hollywood ones like a douchebag Radiohead fan I want to let you know a few bigger budget films that are notoriously known for being bad yet I enjoy. For the record my favorite movies in order are The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly first followed by Taxi Driver second followed by a two-way tie between The Naked Gun and Dumber and Dumber. I probably should have stopped after the first two classics to earn your respect.

Vertical Limit: I love any movie that you can describe as Die Hard on a fill in the blank. This film is basically Die Hard on a mountain. I know Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone really is Die Hard on a mountain but I want to talk about Vertical Limit instead because Sylvester’s lips scare me. The film is basically about a rescue crew going up Mount Everest’s redheaded twin brother K2 to save some people who fell down a hole in a mountain. There are a lot of intense and awesome death scenes involving hanging off cliffs and getting his by avalanches. I haven’t seen this movie in years and I was actually thinking about buying it recently. I didn’t though because I didn’t have the 50 cents Best Buy wanted for it.

vertical limit

(Such a 90s cover. Also, Robin Tunney and Bill Paxton are in this? I never knew I was such a Bill Paxton fan)

Frailty: This is a Bill Paxton movie. I remember the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton with this formula; Bill Paxton is in Big Love and Frailty which both have major religious themes. PAX is the name of the religious channel known for Supermarket Sweep and Wonder Years reruns. PAX TV as in Bill Paxton. Bill Pullman is best known for his roles in humorous films like Spaceballs and Mr. Wrong. Pulling someone’s leg is a phrase used for joking around. The root of “pulling” is pull and that makes me think of Bill Pullman, a funny guy. As far as this actual movie goes it’s really good and is about a religious serial killer who brainwashes his sons to help him. Seriously, this is a really good movie and you should see it.


(Why do serial killers always have to cut off heads? It’s so messy. Also the only thing stopping me from becoming one)

The Last Action Hero: Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Tina Turner, Chevy Chase, Little Richard, Jim Belushi, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ian McKellan all thought so highly of this film they made cameos, several playing themselves or revisiting old characters. Some say this film destroyed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. The film is about a lonely teenage boy who gets a golden ticket from an old movie projectionist. The projectionist got the ticket from Harry Houdini backstage after a show and if you do the math that would mean the projectionist would have to be at least 80 years old in order to have had this happened based on when Houdini died. The kid gets sucked into the action film and has to help Arnie save the day even when the fictional characters enter the real world. I actually own this film and watched it as recently as a month ago because it’s so fantastic. Okay, maybe it’s not fantastic but it’s definitely not as terrible as everyone makes it out to be.

last action hero

(Some say this ruined Arnie’s career. Others say I called him Arnie here because I didn’t feel like typing out his last name)

Wishmaster: For a time this was my favorite film. I’ve talked about it before and I’m going to talk about it again. This was a Wes Craven project about an evil genie who grants wishes in an insulting way. When he grants a wish for you then he gets your soul. Before my family had the Internet we had a book with every movie listed and a review of the film. Wishmaster had no stars. Instead it had a big fat turkey next to it. I immediately threw the book into a fire after seeing this. I don’t generally like horror films but this is one I could always get behind. I like when people wish for a million dollars and then their mothers die in plane crashes and they get the insurance money.


(Is this poster in Spanish? Maybe people in Mexico liked this movie. Even when a Mexican wish backfires it’s better than having a normal wishless Mexican life)

Little Big League: Films like The Sandlot and Rookie of the Year were popular in the 1990s for little boys and lesbians who were into baseball. I went in a different direction. I chose to be a fan of a film called Little Big League. The premise was something more akin to my interest. A little leaguer’s grandpa is the owner of the Minnesota Twins then croaks because that’s what old people do. This 12 year old boy becomes the Twins’ new owner and he has to prove he can do it. I’ve known probably since I was around 12 that I would never be a big leaguer so the next best thing would be to own a team. Unfortunately I can barely pay to play fantasy baseball so I’ll just have to watch this movie over and over again.

little big league

(Yeah because a child could handle the sports media world and give a press conference. Bullshit. Go fuck yourself reality)

Epic Movie: I know these guys get a bad reputation for putting together garbage films, but I think we all need to…okay I can’t go any further. Everything these guys do suck.


(Nobody even talks about 300 anymore which makes this film an even bigger disaster. Don’t worry about how far your breasts may sag, they will never flop as much as the writers of these films)

Dirty Work: Of all the movies I listed here this is the only one I ever watched in school. Once you find out the premise you’ll understand how it was relevant to my Ancient/Mediaeval History class. Norm McDonald and Artie Lange have always been great at getting revenge on people through pranks and such. When they’re in need of money they open up a revenge for hire business where they’ll do your dirty work for you. See how much this has to do with the Ming Dynasty. Although the film slows down in the third act as too many comedies do it still has a lot of great lines and gags. For you Chris Farley fans, and I know you’re out there and many because fat people always like Chris Farley and fat people also like looking at things on the Internet, this was the last film he ever did. Too bad it was a box office disappointment. Who would have thought Norm McDonald wasn’t a massive draw?

dirty work

What are some movies you adore that nobody seems to understand your love for?

How can someone enjoy reading a blog if they don’t have opening credits to go with it? They won’t know who I am or who the guest stars are. So here it is, the opening credits to my blog.

These are the names of bloggers who were around to comment a lot in 2012. Stick around for 2013 and you can be famous too.

College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.


(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.


(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.


(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.


(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.


(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.


(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.

I recently went on my old computer for the first time in over a year. The only reason I had been going on it was because I had a game I enjoyed playing downloaded there. It’s a fine enough computer. The biggest problem is I would have to keep the keyboard in my lap and the mouse would go on top of the computer tower since I have no computer desk. As you can see, I was headed toward scoliosis, carpal tunnel, and getting yelled at by keyboarding instructors all over for my improper setup. I found something strange on this old computer. I found my first attempt at trying to raise money for a movie I wanted to make.

The strangest thing about this movie is I don’t remember anything about it. I’ve had a lot of shitty ideas over the years and many stick with me. This idea though was different. This idea means nothing to. Below is a picture of the document I found on my computer from 3/13/2006:

worst movie idea ever

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck? I’m thinking it too. I was 18 whenever I made this contract. I was a senior in high school. Senior year was a crazy year for me because I was usually home from school by like 11. All I had time to do was make contracts. Rather than ignore this and move on I would like to analyze what a dumb person I was back then based on this document alone.

First off, why did I think putting the word “Official” made things official? This is something incredibly retarded. As we all know something isn’t official until it’s on Facebook. Back then Facebook only allowed college students onto their smug website and Myspace’s reliability was pretty low. I guess just putting the word “Contract” wouldn’t look right though. What kind of contract? If someone sees the word official they may find it legitimate. When I think about it I should have had it say “Legitimate Contract” so when asked “is this legit?” I could tap my finger on the word legitimate.

Clearly the formatting on this stinks. There’s a gigantic gap and the (print name) is floating in the middle of nowhere. I took so many classes on web design and typing and I was always very good at them yet I never could figure out how to format a Microsoft Works document. Yes, I said Works, not Word. Microsoft Word is for rich kids. Microsoft Works is for kids who have to type up their own lame contracts.

richie rich

(Richie Rich has no excuse for being so unfashionable, he’s rich! Get a bow tie that fits and pants that won’t tempt a pedophile)

I’ll glance over the fact I had to specify US Dollars. Imagine how pissed I would have been if I got someone to donate to this unworthy cause and it was in Canadian loonies. Let me focus for a moment on the title of this project, Home Abortion Kit. This does sound like the title of something I might have wanted to make into a film. I remember writing up a Harry Potter parody YEARS ago (I stress years so you know I’ve grown as a human being) called Harry Squatter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. My idea of writing a funny movie used to be thinking of a bad porno movie title. The biggest flaw with the script other than I wrote it was there were too many Ichiro Suzuki jokes. I know, who? He was big when I wrote it, trust me.

I’m trying to piece together a potential plot to this film based on the title. I may be thinking now this was going to be a short instructional video I was going to make for a company I knew about. I only knew about the company because I somehow started talking to a transsexual online who had done films for them. Yeah, that last sentence has no errors in it. How did I think this would have been a good idea? What would I do, push girls down the stairs? I couldn’t even get a girl to tell me to watch out for a moving bus back then. How could I get one to agree to let me push her down some stairs as a gag?

bus death

(The worst before and after diet photo ever)

There are a few typos in the contract which I guess makes the “Official” at the top look like a lie. I enjoy the fact that I guess I was giving out refunds if I won in a contest? Is that what I was doing? If I won 2nd place I would give you half your money back? That’s not how movies work. Why was I so stupid? Even worse I actually thought this idea had potential. I thought I was going to, without any experience; win an independent short film contest. Certain people need to be knocked down and told their dreams stink. 18-year-old me was one of those people.

I don’t normally do film reviews but today I am. I will be reviewing the movie Suckerpunch. Why did I see this movie when I knew it would be bad? Well, there’s a pretty blonde on the cover with a few slutty friends in fishnets beside her and all are holding guns. I was renting this from the library and it was free so I figured why not give a movie a shot? Never judge a movie by its cover. I’d warn you about upcoming spoilers but I’d rather think of it as saving you time.

The film started off having good potential. It’s filmed uniquely, there’s an incredibly evil bad guy stepfather, and there seems to be a good story about vengeance. Then it goes downhill. The girl gets tossed into a mental institution and we never see the incredibly evil bad guy stepfather again and the story of getting vengeance on him never happens. Is this Hollywood’s way of trying to be original, by not going with the story we want to know?

(If Star Wars was first made today it would have been about a trip to White Castle or the night after a hangover filled with hijinx and random scenes that don’t really go together)

The plot quickly became the main character, Babydoll, getting a lobotomy. As soon as she’s about to get one she enters a different world in her mind, a strip club/orphanage where they do ballet. Yeah, what kind of David Lynch shit is this? Since there were many girls in their early 20s walking around with dancer’s bodies I stuck with it. I love a dancer’s body. They’ve got thick limbs and look taller than they really are. Is that so much to ask for from a woman, for her to be shaped like a tree?

(Whatever workout routine and diet this tree is on, ladies, follow it please)

When Babydoll did her first sexy dance she was transported to yet another world (stop trying to be Inception). Similar video game like worlds continued to pop up every time she does her sexy dance, a dance we never get to see. She is told by some random old guy (random because David Carradine died jerking off in a closet so they couldn’t get him) on how she can escape this strip club/orphanage. She has to gather up a few items, none of which is an interesting plot.

Babydoll tells her friends about her planned escape. Vanessa Hudgens is there because she can’t get in movies unless she dresses like a whore after she “accidentally” posted her 18 year old pubic hair online. The most mannish girl is reluctant at first but goes along with it because her lesbian haircutted sister wants to escape. They use Babydoll’s dancing to distract different men to get the items they need. Something tells me this dance was not the Jitterbug because the men in the movie seemed to really get distracted from what they saw.

(The Jitterbug dance is two black people fighting?)

Bad things started to happen like the lesbian haircut girl got stopped by a chef, Vanessa Hudgens snitched, and worst of all I was still watching. Babydoll and the mannish girl were all that remained and they attempted their escape. Babydoll had to sacrifice herself for the other girl to break away to freedom. This bugged me because the manly girl was not likeable at all. Why should I root for her to get away to freedom? She’s mean to her sister and an equal prick to everyone else.

The film cuts away to Babydoll back in the lobotomy chair getting her brain cut out. The doctor flinches because she looked at him funny “as if she wanted him to do it.” Then there’s some big scandal about how some doctor from the beginning is having sex with lobotomized girls. I must have missed something about how this is shocking or I should even care at all. Not that I am for lobotomized girls to get raped or anything. I’m so against it I even participated in a march over the summer for PARLG, People Against Raping Lobotomized Girls.

(The Spanish sector of PARLG protesting Tony Danza’s recent rape of a lobotomized girl. He showed her who the boss was)

The man girl got away and the movie goes on to try to say the story was about her and not Babydoll, you know, the girl the movie was about. This movie was one of the worst I have ever seen and I sat through a Madea movie. Yes the girls were attractive and slutty, the action was cool in some parts, but that doesn’t make it a good movie. This was clearly targeted for 14 year old boys who love video games and are scared of girls, I think. Or maybe it’s 14 year old bicurious girls who love video games. This movie was as bad as it looks and now I want to a lobotomy to forget about it.

(How did a movie with this suck so much? Oh now I get it, you’re supposed to feel like you’ve been suckerpunched for wasting your time. So clever!)

I’ve casually mentioned before that my favorite movie of all-time is The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Any movie title that can fit two commas into it has my respect. I love commas. I even love comas. It’d be so cool to be in a coma. If I ever end up in one, make sure I get enough nutrients to get really thin. That way when I wake up I can stuff my face. But there’s more to TGTBTU (I know, that sounds like some sort of annoying liberal organization’s abbreviation) than it’s punctuation that I enjoy. Today I would like to share with you not only my love of spaghetti westerns, but the history of them.

The name spaghetti western comes from the fact that Americans are racists towards Italians. Read this next sentence slowly because the first time I found this out I was confused. Spaghetti westerns were made by Italian directors in the 1960s and they were about the American west and starred mostly Spanish actors from Spain. What’s shocking to me about this is that there is an entire genre based around that. That’d be like if the Japanese made a lot of romantic comedies based around 1980s Americans. We’d call them Sushi Romances. Leave it to Americans to assume that the only redeeming quality of a group of people is food that they are known for. I heard Israel is opening up a film studio specializing in detective films. Hebrew National Thrillers anybody? Things are different in places like Darfur. They don’t have any food. Their movies would be called the same thing as they are here. Where would their characters even go on dates to? The famous orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally would have taken places on a rock. A cheetah would have to “have what she was having.” I wonder whatever happened to the woman who had that line. I hope that pervert’s doing well.

(I didn’t realize how old she was. Eek! She’s probably dead)

The most famous of the spaghetti westerns were done by a guy by the name of Sergio Leone. That’s actually not true. He’s just the only guy I know of. This isn’t so much about spaghetti westerns as it is about the three movies of his I know. You see, this is the Internet. It’s easy to lie and get away with things. He was an Italian man with big poofy hair. Or maybe I’m thinking of Stanley Kubrick. I think all film directors with any talent have big poofy hair. Look at Michael Bay. He looks like he goes into the barbershop once a week. Stop making movies and start going around telling people you care more about your hair than storylines.

(There’s less wind here than there is on the moon yet somehow he managed to look like he’s been working hard)

Sergio’s first movie that I know of (remember, I never do any research for this blog, I wait until some ass-hat like you corrects me in the comments section) was called A Fistful of Dollars. I read that this is a near rip-off of a Japanese movie. I didn’t like this movie. It made no sense. The storyline was great, Clint Eastwood (more on him later) comes into a town and turns two gangs against each other playing both sides. The execution was kind of boring. All I remember were a bunch of Italian men pretending to be Mexicans diving out of a house while on fire. I know that sounds cool, but it isn’t.

The second in the franchise was called For A Few Dollars More. I guess it was a sequel yet it really had nothing to do with the original. This one was really good. It’s about Clint Eastwood (I swear I’ll get to him) teaming up with a good-guy bounty hunter and infiltrating a gang of bandits who have recently helped their leader escape from prison. The way they helped him escape was by throwing dynamite at his prison cell. One of the bad guys has a really bad hunchback and I’m pretty sure the main bad guy had a waxed mustache. If you don’t want to see it after this endorsement you have no taste. Hunchbacks and Captain Hook Mustaches? It’s like two Disney movies in one.

(Ugh Fan Fiction. Like a Mermaid would like to move to a place filled with dry heat)

Finally came TGTBTU. The basic story about this one is searching for buried gold. Clint Eastwood (next paragraph, pinky promise) has to decide which is better, teaming up with the bad or the ugly. Or maybe not. He doesn’t really team up with either unless he has to. The first hour of the film is all character development. The second hour is all about the journey to try to find the gold. And the final hour is figuring out how to get the gold. It’s very simple yet an epic movie. There’s only one boring part when a drunk Union soldier rambles about politics. Ugh, allegory!

The amazing thing about all of these films was that (I know, I promised to mention Clint Eastwood here, I’ll save that for last, sorry!) all of them were filmed in Italian. Or Spanish. I don’t remember and don’t feel like watching the DVD feature that I learned this. They would have to go back and overdub the lines of most of the actors because very few spoke any English. It’s somewhat noticeable, but most older movies are poor quality. This was the 1960s these came out in. There were bigger problems like getting to the moon and smoking in hospitals.

These films made Clint Eastwood’s career (there!). He went on to do a lot more and has been a great influence to someone, probably. I guess that’s all I wanted to say about him. Bummer. But he’s a complete badass in all of these movies and makes me wish I was a cowboy. I’d recommend these films to any guy I meet. Girls may or may not like them. They’re very “manly” films with cowboys farting and shooting guns and not making love like they do in today’s cowboy films. Didn’t a Japanese person direct Brokeback Mountain? That’s what you get for allowing more than one Axis of Evil country to depict your history.

(The only phallic shaped thing that should ever enter a cowboy’s mouth is a cigarette. Possibly the barrel a gun before being executed)

“I wanna be a cowboy baby.” – A guy whose most well-known song lyric is “bada ba bang da bang diggy diggy” and now rips off Lynyrd Skynyrd beats which had already been stolen

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.