Posted: November 17, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I don’t normally do film reviews but today I am. I will be reviewing the movie Suckerpunch. Why did I see this movie when I knew it would be bad? Well, there’s a pretty blonde on the cover with a few slutty friends in fishnets beside her and all are holding guns. I was renting this from the library and it was free so I figured why not give a movie a shot? Never judge a movie by its cover. I’d warn you about upcoming spoilers but I’d rather think of it as saving you time.

The film started off having good potential. It’s filmed uniquely, there’s an incredibly evil bad guy stepfather, and there seems to be a good story about vengeance. Then it goes downhill. The girl gets tossed into a mental institution and we never see the incredibly evil bad guy stepfather again and the story of getting vengeance on him never happens. Is this Hollywood’s way of trying to be original, by not going with the story we want to know?

(If Star Wars was first made today it would have been about a trip to White Castle or the night after a hangover filled with hijinx and random scenes that don’t really go together)

The plot quickly became the main character, Babydoll, getting a lobotomy. As soon as she’s about to get one she enters a different world in her mind, a strip club/orphanage where they do ballet. Yeah, what kind of David Lynch shit is this? Since there were many girls in their early 20s walking around with dancer’s bodies I stuck with it. I love a dancer’s body. They’ve got thick limbs and look taller than they really are. Is that so much to ask for from a woman, for her to be shaped like a tree?

(Whatever workout routine and diet this tree is on, ladies, follow it please)

When Babydoll did her first sexy dance she was transported to yet another world (stop trying to be Inception). Similar video game like worlds continued to pop up every time she does her sexy dance, a dance we never get to see. She is told by some random old guy (random because David Carradine died jerking off in a closet so they couldn’t get him) on how she can escape this strip club/orphanage. She has to gather up a few items, none of which is an interesting plot.

Babydoll tells her friends about her planned escape. Vanessa Hudgens is there because she can’t get in movies unless she dresses like a whore after she “accidentally” posted her 18 year old pubic hair online. The most mannish girl is reluctant at first but goes along with it because her lesbian haircutted sister wants to escape. They use Babydoll’s dancing to distract different men to get the items they need. Something tells me this dance was not the Jitterbug because the men in the movie seemed to really get distracted from what they saw.

(The Jitterbug dance is two black people fighting?)

Bad things started to happen like the lesbian haircut girl got stopped by a chef, Vanessa Hudgens snitched, and worst of all I was still watching. Babydoll and the mannish girl were all that remained and they attempted their escape. Babydoll had to sacrifice herself for the other girl to break away to freedom. This bugged me because the manly girl was not likeable at all. Why should I root for her to get away to freedom? She’s mean to her sister and an equal prick to everyone else.

The film cuts away to Babydoll back in the lobotomy chair getting her brain cut out. The doctor flinches because she looked at him funny “as if she wanted him to do it.” Then there’s some big scandal about how some doctor from the beginning is having sex with lobotomized girls. I must have missed something about how this is shocking or I should even care at all. Not that I am for lobotomized girls to get raped or anything. I’m so against it I even participated in a march over the summer for PARLG, People Against Raping Lobotomized Girls.

(The Spanish sector of PARLG protesting Tony Danza’s recent rape of a lobotomized girl. He showed her who the boss was)

The man girl got away and the movie goes on to try to say the story was about her and not Babydoll, you know, the girl the movie was about. This movie was one of the worst I have ever seen and I sat through a Madea movie. Yes the girls were attractive and slutty, the action was cool in some parts, but that doesn’t make it a good movie. This was clearly targeted for 14 year old boys who love video games and are scared of girls, I think. Or maybe it’s 14 year old bicurious girls who love video games. This movie was as bad as it looks and now I want to a lobotomy to forget about it.

(How did a movie with this suck so much? Oh now I get it, you’re supposed to feel like you’ve been suckerpunched for wasting your time. So clever!)

  1. Lily says:

    My dad and I went to see this movie out of desperation. We walked out 5 minutes in. My brother “loved” it and made me see it with him. I was just fascinated by all of their nicknames. I asked my brother what the Asian girl’s nick name was and he said “Chinky” sooooo yeah. I pretty much laughed throughout the entire movie.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You told me your brother was cool!

      Your family walks out of more movies than anyone else I know. 5 minutes into this I still had high hopes, it was like the movie I talked about before Meloncholia where it’s a long drawn out loud motage but at least Meloncholia got really good after watching still images of Kirsten Dunst for 10 minutes.

      Did anyone in your family see Tree of Life? That’s a movie where you need to bring running shoes to if you see it in theaters.

      • Lily says:

        Hah my brother either has really good taste in movies, or horrible taste. It’s hard to tell when he’s being serious. I was fooled.
        But yeah I hate leaving movies but my family is pretty much known for doing so. Never saw Tree of Life, but I did see Meloncholia and I was super nauseous during the whole thing!

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I watched Tree of Life. It had a good soundtrack, that was about it. Maloncholia I’ve only seen where Kirsten Dunst gets her whoppers out.

      • Mooselicker says:

        They were suprisingly whopperish weren’t they?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        It’s just a shame she has the face of a down syndromed goat.

  2. Brother Jon says:

    I’ve never been more disappointed by a movie in my life……other than Miami Vice of course. I also thought it was going to be epic butt kicking type stuff. But to find out it was like Shutter Island….but horrible….never again.

  3. Addie says:

    I’m another one for walking out of movies–I’d rather have wasted my money leaving than wasting my money staying. I also bring the popcorn home. On occasion, I’ve been known to walk out of one film and sneak into another. Thus, I left ‘Mama Mia’ and found ‘Wall-E’, with none of my popcorn eaten before I left the first, so, win/win.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What did you dislike about Mama Mia so much? It seems to me Mama Mia is a movie you either will love going into it or hate it. I don’t think I’ve ever walked out of a movie but I have shut them off if I’ve rented them.

  4. Seb says:

    Isn’t this kind of film supposed to be the latest empowering trend in feminism?

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I’ll admit I haven’t seen this film, the title alone screamed how shit it was going to be. The worst film I’ve ever seen is probably Ghost Rider 2, I honestly couldn’t finish that film.

  6. joehoover says:

    It does indeed suck. Whilst we’re on the subject, avoid “In Time” starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried, I’m writing a review of it to also warn others to not waste their time. it’s a public service to do so.

  7. Awesome. I think I started to watch that movie and gave up.

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