Technology Troubles

Technology is great. It allows us to wash our nude bodies indoors with the light and provides the opportunity to watch others wash their nude bodies with the lights on.

Not all of technology is great though. Some parts are absolutely terrifying.

(Terrifying in person form)

Take socializing for instance. There are way too many ways to be bothered. Between Facebook, Twitter, email, and texting, mutes have become our equals in terms of communication. While they still all have a distinct baritone voice only excused because they can’t hear themselves sounding ridiculous, the deaf have tied us listeners in getting the message across.

And this is a problem.

I remember going a whole summer without talking to anyone from school. I avoided the Internet like the plague or the same way girls did me until I turned 22. The only thing different at 22 was I now had thinning hair and eye bags which to women reminded them of George Clooney if he wasn’t famous. The only downside was when they found out my real age after not understanding any of their references to the 1980s.

What’s a gay cancer?

I don’t like technology because now I’m forced to be empathetic. When someone is sad I have to read about it. I can’t ignore the problem either because I have a kind heart.

However if you have cried for help openly and I don’t respond, it’s because I’m intimidated by how cool you are. I also don’t feel like reconnecting with another person who will just commit suicide in three months. I don’t even own a suit for your funeral.

(Only a black man can pull off a suit that looks like my underwear)

Technology brings us places we shouldn’t be. Like work. Have you ever thought about your job? How important would it be in the apocalypse? Unless it’s oil salesman, road warrior, or cage dancer you’re replaceable. It’s okay because I am too.

One last thing to mention about technology: it keeps us alive longer. This is an awful thing, I think you’d agree, if you’ve ever met anybody.

MySpaces

In the mid-2000s MySpace was the most popular place to hangout. The social networking website turned what could have been fully functioning social adults into mindless drones afraid to leave their house on the weekend. I am one of those drones and I miss the good old days of MySpace. Facebook never quite lived up to the wonders MySpace provided me in life. Twitter is too simple and pointless while Tumblr needs that missing vowel to earn my respect. The days of MySpace are over and there are five specific things I miss about it most compared to the website I feel killed it off, Facebook.

(Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought that MySpace Tom was giving a thumb up only to later realize it was an illusion from the shadows)

1) The ability to meet new people

Facebook’s privacy settings are so strong that I originally made my account to help a friend stalk his ex-girlfriend to see what she was up to. MySpace was not like this, at least not at first. Of course after a while the privacy settings went up after people were concerned their bosses would find out that they were avid drug users. Because of this, Facebook makes it nearly impossible to make new friends without seeming like a creep. My MySpace profile was so ingenious that I would have random people adding me on an almost daily basis. They got to see my creative side and were legitimate fans of my nonsense. Facebook is now more of a site for adding people you already met in person. I never meet people in person and when I do I never remember their names anyway so we kind of go our separate ways after a night of fun. Facebook makes real-life relationships more like one-night stands whereas MySpace opened it up to the possibility of friends with benefits, a continuous relationship.

2) The ability showcase your talents

Facebook does not having a blogging system in place, one of my favorite MySpace features that people seemed to sometimes care about. MySpace gave me so many chances to be silly and unlike a Facebook status, they didn’t disappear into oblivion after a few days. My favorite thing about MySpace was filling out surveys with ridiculous answers then enjoying the praise I got after. Facebook does have the “notes” option, something that few people use and even fewer ever read. Bands were easily able to put up songs while the rest of us were able to put up music we liked, showcasing how great our taste in music was. Comedians too were able to upload the dates they would be performing. Things were so simple and MySpace acted as a website for many talented people to show off. It’s like that again with the new structure, but nobody uses MySpace outside of a couple of people who are so far behind they still haven’t heard that the Mayans were wrong about their 2012 apocalypse prediction.

3) Less personality on Facebook

I’m not the world’s most attractive person. Granted I could probably bribe my way into winning an office pool for “best-looking” and it not surprise too many people. My personality is what has always gotten me by in life and Facebook makes it shallower, where I am judged more on my face than anything else. I hate being judged by my face. I have to dehydrate myself just to get cheekbones. At any given time I have at least two rashes that if left to grow form a Pangaea by the end of the week. I loved on MySpace when I could find out the ugly girl in math class had a great sense of humor or that the guy all of the girls fawned over couldn’t put together a complete sentence if his life depended on it. Facebook is boring and without the ability to meet new and interesting people, it’s just a rehash of all of the boring people I know in real life.

4) Less danger on Facebook

As much as some overprotective parents assumed MySpace was filled with perverts, pimps, and prostitutes, the truth is the majority of users were like you and me. MySpace always did have a slight sense of danger around it, but so does driving a car. I think we have all met at least one person in real life that we had originally started talking to through MySpace. Sometimes these people actually led to real relationships, some lasting much longer than others. I miss the sense of danger MySpace gave me. Facebook is so safe that whenever I add a girl I don’t know she can immediately delete me before asking who I am. The Internet used to be the Wild West and now it’s more like the Wild Wild West film starring Will Smith, incredibly disappointing.

5) Celebrity encounters, real and fake

Very few celebrities actually use Facebook under true profiles. Why bother? There is a friend limit and does Miranda Cosgrove really need the self-confidence that comes whenever someone likes her status? She had a show about having a show. The girl has self-esteem shooting out all over the place. On MySpace I would add celebrities all of the time, mostly stand-up comedians because they were the most accessible and relatable. Many of them would actually send me messages, one telling me to stop posting so many bulletins. The best was whenever they would respond unsolicited. I had one comedian actually read a bulletin I posted about making my stand-up comedy debut and he actually wished me luck. In addition to the real profiles, I liked the fake ones too. Seeing fake profiles that made celebrities look like morons, jerks, or anything else satirical was something that always made me laugh. Facebook is pretty strict about using your real name and most fake profiles are deleted. Of course with Twitter you can still follow celebrities, but for me it’s not the same. MySpace was so much better.

Internet Pros & Cons

Here’s something I wrote for Yahoo about the pros and cons of limited Internet access. It was one of the first things I ever got paid to write and I immediately spent those $3 on paying for half of a sandwich.

I was the last kid on my street to get Internet access. I know this for a fact because my parents would have us sneak into the neighbor’s homes when they were away on vacation; this breaking and entering counting as my family’s vacation. Every home up and down Overton Road had Internet access. My dad finally began paying for Internet when I was in seventh grade. At first I was hooked, staying online constantly. Then I lived a few places without the Internet. I learned over time there are pros and cons when it comes to having Internet access readily available.

Pro: You have an excuse for not knowing everything in the world

The Internet has every piece of information available on it, the greatest of all being dirt on new people you meet. When you have access people expect you to take advantage of this readily available information. Telling people you don’t have the Internet at home provides the perfect excuse for not knowing big news or who the President of the United States is. It’s like being stuck in the 1920s minus the constant fear of a typhoid breakout.

Con: You have trouble discovering new things

The best way to find new music these days is searching on YouTube. Without the Internet it’s nearly impossible to find new music without a friend suggesting it. If your friends are anything like mine, they will suggest listening to “that new English singer, Sting.”

Pro: You don’t discover those new things

While you can find great new music you are also less likely to stumble across the bad stuff. I have no clue what Justin Bieber’s singing voice sounds like. I had such little Internet access during his rise to fame that he could scream for help from one room over and I would have no clue it was him. Why Justin Bieber is in my apartment screaming for help, that’s a topic for another day.

Con: Less contact with friends/acquaintances

I use social networking sites like Facebook to keep in touch with friends I am not likely to see in person very much. It’s a great way to not disappear off the face of the earth from them. When you can’t get online as frequently these friendships can lose their strength.

Pro: Less contact with friends/acquaintances

Some friends are lousier than others. When a friend you don’t like very much communicates via the Internet more than anywhere else, you have the perfect excuse to skip their birthday party, wedding, and possibly funeral. “Sorry. I haven’t been online” is a legitimate excuse in today’s world to miss out on everything.

Con: Lack of entertainment

A lot of my entertainment comes from the Internet. I stream radio stations, read blogs, and play fantasy baseball. Hey ladies, interested? Going online is a huge distraction that can numb your mind and take you away from the daily grind. Entertainment is highly underrated in our society. Something as simple as a picture of an angry cat gives people hours of enjoyment now. I may not agree with this, but that’s just the way it is.

Pro: Saving money

As is the case with everything in life, Internet access costs money. This was a big reason why I chose not to have it in my home. As a 22-year-old working part-time not making very much money and living alone, I had to pinch pennies wherever I could. There are plenty of free places you can use the Internet. Did you know libraries still exist? They have Internet access too. There are also coffee houses, restaurants, and a few other places that will let you steal their Internet. My personal favorite place is going to a hotel lobby. Not only do you get high-quality Internet access, nobody bugs you. I did this for an entire year whenever I needed to get online. If you decide to do this, make sure you never overstay your welcome. Sometimes I would stay in my car so the same hotel desk clerks wouldn’t see me coming in then leaving after an hour three days a week. After writing this section I now know what my ex-girlfriend meant when she called me cheap.

Con: People will think you are weird

Most people thought I was very strange when I would tell them I didn’t have Internet access. They would say it like the rest of me was so normal. Admittedly I am a bit of a blowhard. I don’t use iPods, I don’t watch current sitcoms, and I think baseball was better in the 1920s. There are still plenty of people in this country that don’t have Internet access in their home. The only reason I broke down and have it now is because the nearest library either never has access or the librarians give me dirty looks. Now with the Internet at home I can embrace the hermit lifestyle. It feels great. I wonder what the weather has been like this summer.

Vacation Solicitations

While I was minding my own business and getting involved in other people’s I shouldn’t have, I received a Facebook message I was not expecting. Unlike most random Facebook messages it didn’t go to my “Other” folder which is filled with pretty girls confessing their love for me. Unfortunately many of them committed suicide before we could begin a romance. Several of them even blamed me for their decision to end their own lives. There are also a bunch of invitations to events I had no interest in attending so not everything is really sad there.

The message I got went something like this:

Hi Tim! I found your fb page through a friend’s list.
I’m currently recruiting people who want to go to Israel next summer for free! The trip is sponsored by The Jewish Federation of Philadelphia and it’s similar to Birthright except it’s longer and while there, you would take classes at Yeshiva/seminary, which is very interesting! In order to qualify, you must be Jewish and between the ages of 18 and 29. I got back from the trip a couple weeks ago and speaking from personal experience, it’s definitely the trip of a lifetime If you qualify and it’s something you might be interested in, feel free to message me back and I’ll be glad to send you more info. I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I know this may seem like a scam but I promise it’s not! If you would like to meet in person to discuss the trip, I would be more than willing to.

I can’t just ignore this kind of bullshit. This is the worst type of marketing I have ever seen. There was no attempt to possibly establish if I was even qualified for such a, what sounds like, terribly awful moment of my life. On my list of places I would like to go to Israel is probably near the bottom next to Afghanistan and work on Mondays.

As soon as I read it I wanted to give several smart ass responses. I was furious. It’s like when people in Times Square try to sell me rap CDs. I don’t listen to rap. In fact, I don’t even listen to my own thoughts thanks to my new prescription antidepressants I am currently abusing (with alcohol).

I took the high-road though and responded with:

I’m Chinese so I don’t qualify

Clearly I am not Chinese. I am as far from Chinese as a person can get; unless you ask a Japanese person because they insist they are the opposite of Chinese. I don’t think they are. I think they are like blueberries and raspberries. They are very similar. It’s like the Irish and English would be more like apples and bananas. I pair apples and bananas together because both allow the eater to have something to throw out the car window if they so choose. In my humble opinion, you should always choose.

Then she responds with:

So that means you’re not Jewish?

Something was not getting through. I’m not even sure why there was such an eagerness to put me in harm’s way. Isn’t there a current mass of suicide bombings in the Middle East right now? I swear I saw it trending online. Or maybe it was the Midwest. I always forget which one of those places is backwards and puts too much blind faith in a god.

Then I said:

Yes

And she cuntilly (is it one L or two?) added:

Ok, thanks for responding anyway.

To sum it up, please avoid sending me silly messages like this without doing a little bit of research first. She is very lucky I didn’t say something mean to hurt her feelings. I still would like to know what she thinks a Chinese person looks like if I’m passable.

Three Problems

Facebook has this feature called “People You May Know” where people we know and have no intention on saving from a fire pop up in the corner with their shit-eating grins along with how many mutual friends we have with them. Someone I really don’t like came up on my screen recently. I thought I’d tell you why his personality sucks and why his profile picture proved to me and anyone who sees it how he should be dismembered.

The dickhole was a real dickhole to me in school. He would often tease me for being fat even though he was fat. This actually doesn’t narrow down which bully this was as I had more than one fat bully who made fun of my weight. What happened to brotherhood or going halves on a pizza pie?

(They are getting way too much pleasure out of giving themselves diabetes)

While I suffered no serious traumatic events from his sweaty chocolate stained hands, I still do resent the fact he was allowed to live while good people like Hitler had to blow their brains out in a shelter. Sorry to say Hitler was a better person than this douche, but in my life that is the case.

Onto the three problems with his profile picture:

Problem 1 – Shirtless

The guy was shirtless in his profile picture. Since he is still fat, we could only see his shoulders. He probably does a lot of military presses and likes how they look. We can’t see the rest of him though because you know, fat. He knows he’s fat. That’s why he made fun of me for being fat. Why take a shirtless pic and only show your top fraction? This isn’t a Girls Gone Wild commercial where you have to hide the nipple.

Problem 2 – Backwards Hat

The only time a hat should be on backwards is if you get punched in the face or you are so shocked it causes it to spin that way. And in the first instance, you should be punched again for wearing a backwards hat. Wearing your hat backwards defeats the purposes of a hat, right? A hat is not meant to make you look like a cool guy. Flashing money and driving loud cars is what makes you cool. Turn your hat around the proper way or remove it. I hope he’s balding.

Problem 3 – It was a selfie

And to top it all off, he took the picture himself. The phone is visible and it was flashed off from a mirror…

This guy is the same species as me! He has a degree from the same high school. He was given the same education. His resume is similar to mine. Luckily I think I saw another picture of his of him standing near a quarry working so he will probably die on the job when a faulty machine drops a heavy stone on him. Hopefully he doesn’t just end up paralyzed because he’d probably get a huge settlement. Or if he does end up paralyzed I hope it’s a miserable life full of erectile dysfunction.

Okay if this seems cruel keep in mind he was mean to me. Also consider he has a non-ironic picture of him shirtless with a backwards hat standing in front of a mirror. Fuck people like that.

(See the kind of people who do this? Wait this isn’t a selfie)

(Okay so Justin Bieber has no selfies of him shirtless with a backwards had. All other combinations do exist though. Ergo, the guy I know is a bigger douche than Justin Bieber)

Facebook Profile Picture Thieves

I have very little to say in this post which means this will go 300 more words than planned. All I want to say is that I recently discovered someone was using a picture of me as their Facebook profile picture. At first glance, this is a sweet gesture to let me know how important I am to them. Well, let me clue you in on some facts.

 

The above picture is the one they use as their profile picture. Granted, it’s a great picture. It’s still not even my profile picture on Facebook though and never has been yet it is hers.

Who is this woman?

The woman is someone whose dogs occasionally come to the place where I work. They’re not allowed to do much because one of them bites dogs. I met the woman once in person. She was with her husband who made a joke about how his dog is Jewish and it wasn’t a joke, more of a statement. I later thought of a funny response. I should have said “Yeah I can tell. He’s still got his foreskin” because the idea of circumcising a dog is humorous. I didn’t say that though. Instead I laughed and got a stern reaction back, and when I say stern I don’t mean that to be a reference to the popular Jewish last name Stern.

So I met this woman only once ever. Why am I still in her profile picture? Her dogs must be in the picture! Nope. As I said, they aren’t allowed near other dogs because they are troublemakers. So nobody she actually really has a relationship is in this picture.

Perhaps she just likes the picture. I stalked her profile and a couple of her Facebook friends, including a few younger ladies ::raises eyebrows:: liked the picture. Do they think I am related to her? Do they wonder who the fuck I am? I’m bothered by this, yet flattered in a strange way. A very strange way. A way where I’m blushing yet always looking over my shoulder wondering when I will end up tied to a bed like in Misery or whatever happens in the movie. I’m not sure. Kathy Bates frightens me.

There’s nothing I can do about this. For now I am in a picture representing a 50+ year old Jewish woman and it’s a bit of an identity crisis.

Online Favorites

I really need to clean up my favorites. More than that, I need to clean up my life. I should probably start with my favorites. Here are a few things I can delete from my online favorites.

INFJ Dating Bible: This was sent to me by some girl I went on a date with. She was obsessed with Jung and Briggs Myers personality tests. We discovered that we were both the rarest type, INFJ’s. Then she INFU’ed me and we stopped talking. The web page is all advice on how to treat an INFJ in a relationship. It says we’re fragile and need to be treated with care. Odd that she would send me this then crush the lump in my throat she gave me. I thought INFJ’s were nice to each other. The dating bible said they would be!

(Well that’s terribly depressing)

Several Craigslist Jobs: I actually have a job now so I can probably delete these, especially since the companies have most likely gone belly-up by now. One of the jobs is “Corporate Front Desk Receptionist.” Can you imagine me greeting people? Another job is for a Huffington Post Fellowship. I emailed them and they must have been INFJ’s because I never heard back.

An Article About Pablo Sandoval’s Weight: I originally saved this for my fantasy baseball related blog. You don’t have to read it. I just want to brag that it was actually on some list of the Top 50 baseball blogs by fans. This is all based on page views and I really don’t get that many page views. That’s pretty pathetic for whoever finished just behind me at number 43.

(Pablo Sandoval eating breakfast)

Things About Query Literary Agents: I only sent out a small handful of queries to literary agents. I got frustrated because they all wanted something different so I stopped. I’m probably going to need to save a dying baby or be involved in a nationally known trial to ever get a book deal anyway. I think I would go to prison if it meant people would read about my life. It’s worth being a bitch.

This:

(No relation to Pablo Sandoval)

Articles About Women Being Mean: I alternate between three or four friends complaining about women. Sometimes they will send me scientific backing to prove that the soul of a woman was created below. Is there really any doubt to it? INFJ girl said she would text me after she got done getting frozen yogurt and she ignored me for the rest of our lives!

Daily Exercises: I had no clue that these were saved in there. I think that tells you how often I do wall slides or morning hip opener stretches.

(What they fail to tell you is that you do this with a shirt on that it leaves a big stain on the white wall)

2013 Maxim’s Hottest Women: Part of this is understandable why I would want this handy (no pun intended) and the other half is for very important research. I’m kidding. There’s nothing safe about why this is on my favorites other than maybe a reference point.

Something Called “How To Prevent Groin Injuries”: I don’t remember reading this. I do have a slight groin pull. It could have something to do with the 2013 Maxim’s Hottest Women. Who knows? They’re pretty close to each other on my list of bookmarks.

What are some oddities on your online favorites?

Comebacks

I’ll be coming back Monday with vengeance. Seriously, does nowhere in this town have a good internet connection? I’ve got big things in store. I will also finally get around to replying to all your lovely comments then. It’s a pain from my phone. In the meantime check out old posts or follow my mental breakdown on Twitter. Thanks and don’t watch Dexter Season 7, it’s terrible.

Facebook Idiots

I come from a long line of people with super powers. My great-grandmother had the ability to read minds, my grandfather had the ability to levitate, and my uncle can make young girls disappear. Somewhere out there there’s a swamp filled with missing children. Seriously, he should be locked up. My super power is the ability to spot an idiot right away. Chances are you’re an idiot because almost everyone is. My hope with this piece I have written is to let you know how to spot an idiot where you spend your most time, on Facebook.

(Does anyone remember when Facebook was cool? If you said yes then you’re lying. It’s impossible to remember never)

Here are the things I have noticed while perusing Facebook that scream idiotic. Don’t think just because you’ve done a few of these things I think you’re an idiot. Oh no child, you’re reading this so if confronted I will pretend I don’t think you’re stupid. For the record, I probably already hate you so calling you an idiot really isn’t too big of a deal.

-Posting Song Lyrics: This isn’t completely idiotic but it tells me you can’t write your own poetry. You’re also saying “Hey I like this band, let me see if anyone else likes this band too.” Then an even bigger idiot likes your status and you two can bond over your love of some shitty band.

-Posting Drama: If I know you have a dramatic life based on your Facebook statuses you are an idiot. I should not know things about your life. Facebook isn’t the place to know about baby’s mama drama. Facebook is a place where we can quickly look through our friend’s pictures and send the embarrassing ones to people we actually like. Yes, I do this all the time.

-Posting Sad Faces or Anything Else Depressing: I knew a guy who would do this all the time. He’s dead now. He took the Socrates way out, suicide. After all the depressing statuses he made on Facebook nothing could ever save him. How about you stop staring at a computer screen and maybe do something nice for someone else to make yourself feel better? Don’t post a frowny face. Most of them just look like a man with a handle-bar mustache anyway.

-Asking People to Hangout: Really? Normally when I want to hangout I’ll ask the people I want to hangout with over the phone or in a private message. The best is when no one replies and it can be assumed the idiot sat at home watching new iCarly episodes. I shouldn’t know you’re pathetic. I should have some fantasy about your awesome life. It gives me hope. Knowing you’re a loser means I make fun of you behind your back.

-Asking for Favors: The only one I’m guilty of is this one. I’ll ask for favors because I don’t have a real connection with too many people and I like to put it out there in the open to see if maybe someone I know has a hidden talent that can help me. I’m still an idiot for doing it. This is far different from the favors I ask for on Craigslist. Those always involve backrubs from college girls. Craigslist is great. I can tell women I’m rich and athletic.

-Liking Too Much: Never and I mean never like your status, comment on the status, and then like your comment. It tells the world nobody gives a shit about you and neither should they. This might possibly be the most pathetic thing ever. This comes from a guy who took his mom’s best friend to prom. I’m kidding. I was my mom’s real best friend.

-Memes: The most offensive form of comedy after the ironic terrorist attack is the meme. Sure, the occasional meme is uproariously funny. For the most part though it’s idiot humor. People who overly enjoy memes are the same people who won’t read a book without pictures or won’t date a girl because she poops. The only memes I have ever posted were ones I made up myself, one being a fake one that I wanted to see gain some leverage. It never did but a few people liked it which means people will believe anything they read in a meme.

What idiotic things do you see on Facebook all the time? Don’t mention typos. Anyone who makes an obviously bad typo in a Facebook status, especially when it’s supposed to come off as funny or smart, should have their typing hands broken and their favorite pet kicked.

Internet Friends

During my time receiving cancerous rays from computer screens I have made many Internet friends. Don’t feel special WordPress bloggers, I’ve been making Internet friends ever since I was 13. I have more people willing to click “subscribe” to this blog than are willing to become friends with me on Facebook. More people will comment on this particular blog post than will spend my birthday with me. The Internet is where I seem to make all my friends these days. For a guy who carries around spare deodorant in his car I can’t be too smelly. It’s Axe too because that’s the one women murder themselves over you for.

(She smelt me once and fell in love. I turned her down. Her life is no longer worth living)

Sometimes an Internet friend becomes more like a real friend. I’ve talked to a few WordPressers outside of the blogosphere and some I consider a regular friend. Things remind me of you and I’ll even explain to police officers how a particular blog post of yours is what inspired me to light the fire. Most of us will never meet in person which is fine, it might be better that way. I do remember however one instance many years ago when I made an Internet friend who I accidentally ended up meeting years later with lackluster consequences.

When I first got the Internet I did whatever I could to find as many people I could instant message as possible. I searched AOL profiles for girls who went to the same school as me and baseball players who I could bug about nonsense. I actually did used to talk to a few baseball players online. The one I talked to a few times ended up having to retire and got a job at Old Navy. With the girls, I always kept secret who I was. If they knew it was the weird fat kid from gym class they’d insist the Internet was not a safe place to be.

(This kid is reliving my life)

I began talking to one girl who actually responded well to me. She went to a rival middle school. I don’t remember what it was specifically that made me instant message her. I think I was feeling courageous. We’ll call her Does Dallas because her real first name matches the main character in an old film about a woman who goes out and “Does Dallas.” I don’t want people to be able to figure out who she is as her privacy is very important to me.

(I changed my mind, I don’t care)

I’m not sure what we talked about exactly but Does Dallas actually would instant message me first a few times. I hid no secrets from her. I was exactly who I was in real life and she was responding well. She told me her sister got a new camera and she would send me her picture. Did Does Dallas have intentions with me I could only fantasize about? She sent me the picture and I was amazed at how attractive she was. All this really meant was I could never send her a real picture of me. Onto my computer, in search of the picture of a shirtless British kid I would send girls claiming it was me, I went.

I told Does Dallas how a classmate of hers was on my baseball team. We’ll call him At Night since his real first name is the first half of a Nickelodeon programming series taking place “At Night.” Well, a lesson was learned by me. At Night did not have kind things to say about me. Does Dallas came online and said how At Night told her about me. I asked what he said. She did not make it clear but the fact Does Dallas never spoke to me ever again does not bode well. At Night was a dweeb who asked a girl out once and when she said yes he thanked her. This was the guy who was cock-blocking me?

(“At Night” was a travesty to other men with the same first name. I won’t say it. I swear I won’t let you know what his name was)

Fast forward to high school. You don’t have to fast forward but I suggest you do to avoid the anguish in between I suffered from many other people. As rival middle schoolers do, they sometimes attend the same high school. Guess who I happened to share a graduating class with? Does Dallas, that’s who. We never had class together, but one time during a field trip she sat across from me. I wondered and still do if she remembers how she had fallen for me online. At the time she was pulling off the “hot nerd” look. I remember her wearing tight black striped pants on the bus ride to see Julius Caesar, the play not the politician. I was at my fattest and sat next to the fattest black chick in class. The two-seater was not made for two offensive lineman which is what we were voted most likely to grow up to become.

I never had a real conversation with Does Dallas. She was smart which leads me to believe she always knew exactly who I was. People always do that. They ignore any connections they used to have to you no matter how silly the circumstances were. The closest I ever came to talking to her was one night during senior year. My friend had a huge crush on her and they had planned to hangout. She cancelled. He asked his best friend to hangout. The best friend cancelled. I had nothing going on so we went out to what his best friend was REALLY up to. Parked in front of the house was Does Dallas’s car. We snuck up along the fence and my friend caught the love of his life in the hot tub with his best friend. Then her head went under water and his best friend’s eyes rolled back into his head. Use your imagination.

Long story short, thank you current Internet friends for not owning hot tubs and inviting girls I have crushes on over to your place or something like that.